Narratiuncula

Dear Heart,

2011-09-30T04:21:00.006+08:00

WHY HIM?

So there's this boy, and he'll never know how much he means to me. & it's one of those awkward moments where I go, like, '' OH SHIT! '' ; I'm in love with him. FML

Dang! My brain's fucked up beyond all repair. Well, it is no secret that the best thing about secrets is secretly telling someone your secret. Thereby, I'm basically adding another secret to my secret collection of secrets, secretly.

Mind fucked yet? Boo yeah. Okay, I mean, people these days ... when you say one thing to them, and then BAM! the whole world knows. Le sigh. However, we all need that one person in our lives who we can tell everything to and trust with our lives. Otherwise, life becomes so lonely and painful. & that is exactly why, I write - because no one listens. FML

Oh, well.

Guy friends are always the best. They're hilarious, cool, and fun to hang out with. Until of course, you start to like one. Like, seriously. I wake up every morning now and say '' I don't like him anymore '', then the next day I see him and that gorgeous smile, and the feelings I had before comes back all over again. FML

-

Y'know ; I've been told that I'm pretty good at fixing everyone else's problem, but I'm always being lost when it comes to myself. As a matter of fact, when it comes to relationships or such issues ; also, including the fact that I have never been on a proper date before. FML

Loving a person that does not love you back is like watching a star you can't reach. Err, almost like a never-ending war between your head and your heart. It's like, you just keep sinking a little deeper into your pool of misery everyday and nobody even sees it. FML

It's much easier to be with someone you can't love, than to admit you love someone you can't have. & you know what sucks about falling for a guy you're not right for? You fall anyway because you think this time it might turn out to be different. It sucks even more to know that you need to let go, but you can't - because you're waiting for the impossible to happen. FML

I've been told - If you do not go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you do not ask, the answer will always be no. If you do not step forward, you'll always be in the same place.

I must not let it affect me.

I must not let it affect me.

it's affecting me

FML

P / S : Lust for ink. An anchor on my wrist, perhaps?

Serious & Mysterious

2011-09-17T00:24:00.062+08:00

As you can probably already tell, I have been clearly neglecting my blog way too much. I suppose I've been caught up with life. Or been too busy tryna catch up with life. Either way, I've had about a thousand of ideas on what to write about earlier - except, there is a saying ; too much of anything will make you sick. Or whatever it is along those lines.

I've been staying up all night staring into space considering all the possible negative consequences of myself getting a boyfriend before I actually zonked off. I swear I would have probably twisted and turned in bed, not knowing what to do. & of course, struggling very hard to come to terms with the complete helplessness thought of my current situation.

Year 2 and I'm back to where I don't belong - with a heavier heart this time. I'll be honest with you, my head is just filled with futile thoughts, and I am now starting to feel emotionally ill. Ugh! I just hope it gets better as it goes. For the love of God and for the sake of my education, I'll get through this.

I remember how my first year (last year) turned out a tad bit of a disaster. I came all the way from Malaysia ; excited about all the angles and prospects of myself actually taking one step forward to making my dream come true - minus the idea of how medical academics in general sends 'em chills down my spine and how I still shudder at the thought of it.

I remember having the worst mix of emotions before I left. I remember when the first term began, I was a pretty good student ; tryna bond with the seniors, asking loads of associated questions, and definitely not sleeping during lectures. Also, I remember having an immensely hard time asserting my identity in an entirely foreign environment, which I later learnt that I don't quite like. Nor fit in.

By the start of 2011, I was pretty sure that I wasn't sure of anything anymore. All I wanted to do was only to focus on something real here ; education. Yes, the reason I was here in the first place - to get an education.

Tutorials and cases, one after another ; just like that. I could hardly remember how the year went. & even worse, I don't know if I've put in enough effort in doing the right thing to strike the right balance. Le sigh. I mean, I am a little paranoid about my results. Hence, going by that measure ; I have to say, Year 1 has been a bit of a waste. I looked at my grades, and it was a little disappointing.

Oh well, I know I've had an awesome year while it lasted. Or so, at least I'm trying to convince myself that I did. I was just looking through some photos I took throughout the year and thought I could have done better with my hair.

-

I don't know and I'm still unsure if Year 2 is going to be on my side, because I know for a fact that I am gonna be falling into pits of misery and depression throughout the entire year. Again. However, I did promise myself that I will most certainly try my level best to be happy (and to not give up while I'm at it).

P / S : I like spending my time slacking around. Travelling around and having some good ol' English breakfast and being a lovable pest to my parents while I'm at it. I mean, my party time is usually a lunch or a dinner party with my family. & friends. I don't give a fuck about going to clubs. I want to have a really good time just talking and catching up, because I like having a really good time just talking and catching up.

& so, I did. Arcades, FTW! Cheers.

Structured Settlement

2011-07-12T03:02:00.008+08:00

I got hitched with a pretty boy 3 years ago whom I have befriended for almost 5 years now, over a social networking site. Where did it all start? Friendster, I should say. We connected with a handful of mutual friends we shared. Random inbox messages gradually led to text messages in a year.

School and life got into the way as I was busy growing up as an adolescent. Somewhere in between, I got reconnected via Facebook. A couple of my good friends feasted on him as an eye candy. I couldn't agree more. He was a carbon copy of Enrique Iglesias.

At one point, I was on a texting spree with him. My motive of hooking him up with my girlfriend never happened. & I never knew this boy would then be my next loverboy. I have to shamelessly admit that I dated him, without my parents' consent - almost without anyone's consent at all. I loved the adrenaline rush I got. The butterflies that fluttered in my stomach when I am at all near him. I felt rebellious dating my friend's eye candy. As much as I loved it, the tinge of guilty pang never failed to hit me in the face each time I landed my sight on him or even verbally hear his name. You should see my head turn.

Life was a momentary bliss for me. I had an unusual flood of text messages each and every day. Good morning texts to random texts on a busy weekday. Phone calls that led to sleep-deprivation, and rocketing cellphone bill for him. I felt the pinch even though I was never the one to call.

Our dates only consisted of coffee in the evening in Starbucks and random walks around the mall with my good friends, never a movie date or posh dinner on our own or a stroll in Singapore like any other couples. He insists on tagging along while I shop, even in the nearest boutique over at my place as well as to watch over me as I have a game of badminton with my friends in an abandoned playground. Honestly, I wouldn't call it all dating though - because I have never been on my own with him.

I never liked holding hands, and the thought of kissing just drains my soul. I was thankful for the fact that he never reverted my mind into any sexual activities at all. The only physical contact I ever had, would be him holding my hand while I crossed the road. I just, didn't want more. I didn't wanna play silly games.

He did it all in a small portion. We took it slow and steady, because it involved way too much emotions and feelings for me to handle. I saw the commitment he had towards the relationship. We talked this over, and he met my mother. He introduced me to his family as well, and I thought this was indeed a good sign.

We had our ups and downs too. I never suspected him of having an illegal relationship at all ; but just as a precaution, I always had an eye open hoping I'd never get cheated in the name of love. However, life has to go on because of yesterday's mistakes. I'm beginning to think that the inanity might not be worth such a lengthy discussion after all.

I was then dumb, and now duped.

I am definitely not expecting comments, and definitely not sympathy - but I do expect all that hurt to be read and understood by anyone who's reading ; I lost the love I loved the most.

I now welcome you, to Heartbreak City.

-

You've been ignoring me, why?

No, I didn't.

You didn't bother telling me you have a new girlf now.

Well, now you know. It was just recent.

You always said, you'd tell me. That is why I was disappointed. I didn't know you moved on, that fast.

Hmmm.

I bet she offered you whatever I didn't.

Yeah. She did.

What did I not offer, that she did?

Why must I tell you?

I wanna learn from my mistakes? I don't wanna end up being dumped all over again. One heartbreak is enough.

You're not my type. That's why. I didn't feel that you were the right one for me, get it? I hope you can move on, because I did.

You decide to tell me I'm not your type, after 3 years? Alright. I'll buy that. I am tryna move on. I just need time, I suppose.

As for me, I only liked you. Nothing more than that. I know it's 3 years, but it was just a friend-to-friend thing.

You came over to see me, meet and greet my family and friends, and whatsoever for 3 years ; and we were only friends? You gotta be kidding me!

Oh, come on.

No seriously, I have no intention of bugging you. I'm just so curious! I envy you for being able to move on, but I just wanted to know ... it was all fake then?

Something like that. Do you understand? It wasn't just you that I knew at that point. There were many other girls who kept bugging me too.

T'was all fake? The never-ending phone calls and all? Dying to meet-up with me and all?

Maybe I just missed you at that point, but ...

But?

It didn't mean that I wanted to be yours. I drew a line between us already. I'm sorry for everything.

All the pain and hurt has caused enough damage.

You were just not my type.

Well, not your type, but why? & where else did I go wrong?

Just leave it. I don't wanna talk about it anymore. I can only answer up until there. You'll find someone else. You're a good girl. I'm just too bad to be your boyf.

Yeah sure. Be it then. You have a great life ahead. It was indeed a good run, and all the best in your future undertakings alright?

All the best to you too!

Thank you!

-

Yeah, it's over. The game's over.

You're not my type.

U MAD?

Mixed Emotions

2011-07-07T17:24:00.002+08:00

Apologies and sorry about the lack of updates. I've been having a go at myself trying to gather my thoughts on the series of unfortunate events for the past few weeks. I've been meaning to write something here for some time now, really. It's just that every single time I try to start off with a random introduction to a seemingly interesting post, I begin to think my none of my reasons for ranting deserves any form of sympathy nor attention at all. I don't know why I come here and decide to post all the emotion I have been hiding and wouldn't actually wanna show the rest of the world.

I am currently at a stage of life where I am different to almost everyone. I take everyday as it goes, and now everyday just seems like another chance for myself at getting something right. There always seems to be something to be corrected, each and every other passing days.

I often feel unhappy about being unhappy. I occasionally feel so tired, but not just physically. I wouldn't say mentally either. I mean, I'm just not too sure myself. Therefore, instead of focusing on the etiology of my stress - I always end being repelled by how pathetic my imaginations always are. I don't know. Maybe it's just stress?

Well, we all do go through trying times ; don't we?

Basically, I've been falling off track for some time. On and off. It's not exactly misery or depression. It is merely a state of blankness. I almost have no long-term plan anymore. There no objective in life either. I am becoming cynical about almost everything around me, only because I don't see the meaning in anything anymore.

I want to live a proper life for myself, but all I ever happen to do is to depend on everyone else's perceptions. Live up to everyone else's expectations. Tied to everyone else's decisions and choices. Living life has become nothing but an obligation.

Right about now, I am who people make me out to be.

Times like these, all I want to do is crawl into my mother's arms and sleep on her lap ; because when I tell her that I don't know what to do and what I've had done, she will say it's okay and that I will be okay.

Optimistic Pessimist

2011-05-26T22:24:00.007+08:00

Sometimes I feel that my life is pretty empty. The emptiness hurts my head and makes me wanna cry for no valid reason at all. As tears roll down my cheeks, it makes me even sadder - almost as though crying itself was a tragedy, and it makes me tear even more than ever.

While I still have some heart left before I merely turn into a walking corpse, I would like to remind myself why I have ended up in this frustratingly complex and complicated yet beautiful field of career.

No, it most certainly has nothing to do with earning big buck. Really.

Alright, no. I haven't exactly been corrupted by my studies just yet. I have been drastically elevated to a mental state where the absolute concept of differentiating between right and wrong no longer governs my conscience.

In simpler words, it is no longer existent.

-

It's funny how I sometimes feel desperately helpless and confused as the days go by. I don't even speak or think with the sort of clarity I used to have. Every few weeks or so, I go into a shut-down mode and feel like I'm the only person living in the whole universe. The one and only person helping myself from some sort of despair. It makes me feel sick and disappointed and that I've had enough. I mean, what in the world was I thinking when I decided to major in MD?

In this case, exclude my ever-loving parents. Thankyouverymuch.

Honestly, my attitude towards Science in primary school and Biology throughout upper secondary could be best described as passion.

I suppose I've always felt guilty about my under-performance as the only daughter in school - also in relation to the amount of sacrifices my parents have made in their lives to bring me up. My parents were always there for me, through good and through trying times - but sometimes it seems to me that they must have a different life that I didn't know about, in the world of adults.

My parents have invested both financially and mentally into my education. It gets me thinking at times - do my parents ever regret devoting almost the past two decades of their lives to myself?

I have solemnly come to the conclusion that they must have, at some point. I mean, I am perfectly imperfect. To be honest, I can be quite an unappreciative and ungrateful brat at times.

Sigh. It feels incredibly stupid to reminiscence about the past. I admit it, I was young and dumb. It's never too late to change for the better, isn't it? There is definitely no use crying while being sprawled on the floor in pain after aiming so high.

I have to say, I am only facing these consequences with the choices I chose - on my own. No one pushed, but I jumped.

The Road Not Taken

2011-04-26T05:40:00.002+08:00

My love for speed has been raised a bar higher. I gave it a go, I fell in love and now I definitely will not stop. Monster bikes do give you the maximum adrenaline rush. Proven.

On the other hand, I am now convinced that I lack an intense amount of knowledge on Physics. Oh, well.

-Question and answer session has never been better.

Tom Sawyer
Q1...Whether is it necessary for a pillion rider to hold tight on to the rider at top speed....

Firstly,u as a passenger on a bike,play an active role on the quality of the bike ride,especially at high speeds,corners and turns.When accelerating,ur body will be thrown backwards which is due to inertia.If at all,the rider applies the brakes,the momentum of ur body will throw ya forward.And the biker would be adjusting the center of gravity to keep the m-cycle upright.So when u are shifting or wiggling too much at the back seat,you are actually shifting your weight here n thr so to say dat u r making da bike to imbalance.Dat was fyi...cumin to ur q just now....remember the handle bar at the rear behind u,it is given to u so that u can grab on ta dat rail because at high speeds,the turbulent wind current might shake u off and if the biker was to apply sudden brake or take a pikang mayb,u will be surely thrown off if u dun get something to hold on with...either clinging on to the rider,or grab hold of the rail behind the rear seat would do.....it is a must!!!

'bout 7 turn o' yer hourglass ago ·
Tom Sawyer Q2....Why the eyes start to water when the wind hits.....

Wind can dry out your eyes and when it dries,dust or other foreign shit might damage your eyes....so its a mode of protection,to keep your eyes ever moist,tears will flow over.....*i'm just guessing it over....u r a doc,so u might noe bout dis in detail* =)
'bout 7 turn o' yer hourglass ago ·
Tom Sawyer Q3....If at all u dun cling on to ur rider,is there possibilities of the rider losing control....

Grabbing hold on the rider's waist will make it easier for u to steady urself and keep your body inline with the rider....its a top priority when riding on a bike,n if u dun do so,the possibilities of u being thrown away like a pie is higher!!!! =)
'bout 7 turn o' yer hourglass ago ·

Come At Me

2011-03-18T01:41:00.001+08:00

I'm dead beat at the moment. I am no longer a fan of Inderalaya anymore. Each and every trip to Layo just drains the fuck outta me. I suppose everyone else is tired as well, so I'm just gonna refrain myself from making up further excuses for myself.

Fake it until you make it - Almost everyone here dances to the tune of hypocrisy. I've learnt that being genuine isn't exactly the most efficient solution. It often triggers me, what exactly am I doing here?

I don't know why I'm always here blogging outta interest, and spill almost all my emotion in a single post. That is definitely something I wouldn't exactly want the others here to know. Blogging doesn't quite solve the problem, neither does it make me feel any better. I don’t expect comments or any sort of consoles, but I do expect all that hurt to be read and understood by anyone who’s reading this.

I’ve chose to type it all out, because I’m not too sure on how to explain how sad or mentally and physically tired I am at the moment - without having to reveal why, what, when and how. My emotions are not merely blog material, neither are they merely words. Oh well, most of which I myself am not very sure of in the first place.

I just wanna say that I’ve had enough of certain things.

Look how I was back then, and look at me now. This is why I didn’t give up. I want to articulate my confusion properly, because I don’t want to sound like just another regular person having a bad day. Or like some ungrateful brat who isn’t aware of the worse things that are happening around the world. Quote earthquake and tsunami.

Some people will probably see all this as the emo, anti-social kid act and figure that I’ll get over the phase soon enough. In fact, maybe I will. It’s easy to get lost and wallow in self-pity without doing anything about it, until you get bored and everyone else gets sick of trying to help you without much success.

Anyhow, I’m not exactly sure what the point of this post is. It’s just another physical manifestation of whatever’s playing out in my head at the moment. I wanted to say what I mean, but instead I just went around in circles and am now back at where I started.

I clearly don't know.

All the confusion, doubt, pain and frustration - I want to pull them all out. Oh well. Just ignore me. I'm sad, and I will make you sad.

Just give me happiness - pure and simple, the determination to understand, wisdom to do the right thing, courage to speak my mind, true friendships that will last, and the complete opposite of whatever I feel when I get up every morning. I don't wanna be the one anymore. I don’t know. This is my stress-relief idea. I’d like a break from being myself for a week or so.

Dear haters, I think it’s time you get your shit together. And yes, the crudeness was intentional.

Cheers.

Foodgasm

2011-03-16T15:08:00.009+08:00

One month, two months, and now three months have just drifted pass in a blink of an eye. It's been a hectic week for myself, and I only have another week of March to go as I welcome April with the tinge of guilt for being a failure when it comes to examination. To top it all off, I couldn't find the time to blog - I didn't exactly wanna blog outta interest, y'see. Oh well, I have to say, that was indeed one of the best January I have ever encountered in the past 19 years of my life.

I can now safely conclude that I do not wish to be anywhere in the world, but Malaysia. Malaysia is truly where I belong. Cue to sing *Malaysia, Truly Asia*

Oh yes. Gluttony at its best. I went all the up to Malacca for some good ol' frozen dessert. No regrets - never had, and never will. In fact, it just keeps getting better each time. Talk about delicacies. These are definitely to-die-for!

Until then, I'll just keep waiting patiently until the next semester break is announced.

Greenman

2011-01-07T03:10:00.021+08:00

My eyes are heavy and I'm mad sleepy but I'm still gonna blog, because I refuse to sleep. Unhealthy, I know. I remember having so much to blog, but I think it's some subconscious ability of mine to forget. Almost occasionally.

Only about a week ago, it was last year. And I haven't been sleeping for over a year, if that's how it's put. I was up on the eve of New Year as I watched the sun rise and welcomed 2011 with eyebags and a mild case of diarrhea. Boy, am I glad that it's all over now.

Getting injected on my ass in the morning while watching an old man gasping for air and fighting for his life on the ER bed next to mine wasn't exactly how I wanted to bid 2010 farewell.

Oh well.

I have almost 8273561943569130 resolutions as of New Year this year. One of it would be to not cut my hair throughout the whole year, or at least until I turn 19. Apparently, long hair would do me more justice. Heh.

I'm gonna get my hair done tomorrow. Oh for the ones that I care less and did not update about myself to - school's off for a month, and I'm flying back home tomorrow. I'm catching the earliest flight home. Basically I'll land just in time for a banana leaf meal before I decide to zonk off in my uber comfy bed and get spammed by jet lag later at home.

I'm all hyped up right now. I just want to breathe in the air of Malaysia. Y'know the touch and aroma of home, somewhere my heart and soul truly belongs to. I can't wait to just hug daddy and fall asleep on mummy's lap. Oh, and don't even get me started on the food. Malaysia's delicacies are to die for. Literally. I shall soon flood my blog with photos of it once I'm home!

Speaking about home, I'm kinda like pretty attached to this place that I'm already almost tearing off. It's too soon for me to leave, because I feel as though I just clicked with everyone here. Only a couple of days ago, I got a whole new perception of life - and now I'm only afraid of being forgotten.

I know it sounds silly, but that's how much I love and care for them - for the ones I call family, here in Indonesia.

JAH BLESS! ;)

This Will Do

2010-12-30T04:02:00.003+08:00

If you're going to fall in love wimme, it's only fair that you know what you are falling in love with.

You are falling in love with my insecurities and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts and my internet obsession. You are also falling in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I'm a hopeless romantic at heart.

If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my inperfection and my perception that nobody could ever love me. You are falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I'm with you, the way I'll text you in the mornings just telling you I hope you have a great day. You're falling in love with the occasionally humorous and thought-provoking things I'll say, and the way I'd blush when people ask me about you.

But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me despite me thinking that it is impossible.

Royal Smackdown

2010-12-28T04:38:00.004+08:00

Screw insomnia, I tell you. I have been solely tryna blog for the past one hour. Blogger was being such a bitch! And in the past one hour I have managed to clean my room, clean my room, and clean my room.

Trust me, I only choose to clean my room when I can't seem to find absolutely anything productive to do. I know I should probably be revising for my upcoming exams, but no. I choose to clean my room instead. I'm cool, I know.

Okay no. It's just the lady I hired. She's being such a bum, and isn't getting her job done very well, thank you. Ugh. This is major hatred!

Mmm.

I have to say, steam bath wins hands down to sauna. I sweat much more there. Oh and on an unrelated note here, I'm typing this with a poker face on. Literally. I've got warm cooked oatmeal all up on my face.

It's therapeutic for the paper skin. Go on, feed your cells with some oats! It has already been testified on my housemate. And she's walking all out and about. So yeah.

TRY NOT TO SNEEZE WHEN YOU HAVE OATMEAL ON YOUR FACE. OR YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A MASSIVE CLEAN UP TO DO SOON AFTER. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. BELIEVE ME!

On and before I forget, Merry Christmas everyone! I know I'm a tad bit late, and it's already almost two days past Boxing Day as well. Apologies, everyone. Millions and trillions of apologies! I was just a little too caught up with the mega celebrations going on here in Palembang.

Is it too late to be good? I demand a brand new Blackberry Bold 9780 in my socks, please ;)

Sometime back I was in Singapore celebrating Christmas. A couple of years back I was in Hong Kong and China for Christmas. Somewhere growing up, I experienced white Christmas in North India.

This year, I attended the first ever service in my 18 years of life and I feel pretty accomplished now. I must say, this has been a wonderful experience for myself despite it isn't a white Christmas.

Now who said you can't have fun without getting wasted?

I'm only a little disappointed that I didn't feast on roasted turkey this year. To those sick haters of mine who did, I do hope you'd choke on the turkey bones next Christmas.

Boo you.

I can't believe 2010's gonna end in what, 2 weeks or so? And soon enough, I would be on a budget airline on my way back home. 2010 has indeed been a great year for me. It was a whole new phase of life. From high school to college, and now to a university. I don't know how much time and space it took, but here I am now. 2010 did take a huge toll on me.

Recalling back, I can't quite remember what I did in the past sore 11 months. So I kinda belted out a few pictures I found on my notebook. This is not gonna be a photolog, though. I'm far too drained out for that tonight.

Sorry!

2010 took a toll of me, and took me on a bumpy ride. I'm expecting 2011 to be a better year, of course - despite everyone worrying about how the world's gonna end in 2012.

It's reaching towards the end of the month already, and I am literally running low on cash. I think it's really time for me to stop raping my LV purse. For good.

Getting me to stop shopping is almost equivalent to hoping for the sky to rain diamonds. Speaking of diamonds, a pair of stud earrings is what I want for my 19th. Thank you mum and dad, in advance ;)

Behind The Lens

2010-12-13T02:59:00.007+08:00

I was literally typing out a post about two to three days back. Except that my surrounding was a little too relaxed and I was caught off guard - not to mention the sun hanging right above my head blazing it's ray on me.

Look at me, such a poor soul. I swear I couldn't even keep track of my cursor as I laid back lazily.

See! Now that's how bright it was at 2 p.m. on a lazy Thursday for me. I am now on the verge of wanting to barf, but I will continue to publish this post before I zonk off.

And FYI, my hair isn't as grizzly as it looks. It's just an illusion. My hair's as soft as a baby's bum now.

For the past 4 days, my life has since been revolving only around my hostel and by the pool. Pool location : Hotel Aryaduta, Palembang. Come stalk me. Heh.

So yeah. That's exactly what I've been doing - School, pool, home. Repeat. This routine has been ongoing and I just realized how much of a bum I can be and how much I need to exercise on discipline. And on losing my fats.

Yuck.

Just chilling with a couple of good friends by the pool is just plain awesome. Despite the fact that I occasionally get splashed with water, get my legs pulled in the jacuzzi, and get thrown into the pool ...

... resulting in hurting my ass.

Thank you dear abusive one ;)

On the other hand, I'm busy making out the best of what my new camera has to offer. I did a little photoshoot to see how good in hand I was behind the lens.

Quoted from the professional one : Not too bad for an amateur.

Okay, that's good enough for me. I'm quite satisfied with the pictures. I gotta like get the angles and the lightings right and a proper camera to go with it.

Thinking of getting a DSLR. For my birthday, perhaps?

Anyhow, here're the pictures. These are my favourite shots!

I guess the photography isn't purely bad, is it? I admit it, I do need tons of brush up to do. Oh well. This will do for now.

Whilst uploading these pictures, you don't know how much I'm dying to skip class as per tomorrow. I'd want the weekends to stay! :'(

Anyhow, off to class in an exactly 12 hours and to gym right after! The gym's my new playground. And the pool? That's basically like my second home already.

Strong Will Continue

2010-12-06T04:15:00.004+08:00

My eyelashes, pennies, stars, 11:11, and birthday candles don't seem to be doing their job right. November was such a bitch, and I do hope December has something magical stored for me!

Okay so I learnt something pretty valuable whilst I've been here. As I'm growing up, I've learnt that even the one person who promised and isn't supposed to ever let you down - most probably will.

Maybe not now, but at some point - yes, they will.

I've had my heart broken. And I've broken others' hearts as well. Countless of times. I know, I'm guilty of it and I'm sorry. I've fought with my best friends. I've even fell in love with some of them. I've taken loads of pictures. I've laughed way too much. I've been forgiving too freely. I've spent my cash at an incredibly unnecessary rate. I've taken chances. I've seeked happiness. I've laughed at people's dreams. I've played dress up. I've taken pictures of myself. I've challenged myself.

And I have even made time to dance in my underwear, thankyouverymuch.

But that's just me - I don't like faking a smile, and I don't like pretending to be happy when I'm not.

It really hits me (all these thoughts and questions of '' what do they think about me? '', do they like me? '', '' am I cool enough to be sitting down and chilling with them? '' ) and rushes through my head all at once, and then this sad little emoticon will start creeping on me slowly inch by inch as I start to wonder and let my blank mind ponder for a little bit. It's pretty scary to realize how much people can judge and criticize you, yet come up to your face with an incredibly wide smile and be such a sweet-talker.

I was told that I'm lifeless, and a bore. Oh and an anti-social as well. Whereas on the other hand, my friends think I'm outgoing and I'm completely insane that I can literally turn someone absolutely sane into someone like me.

I am definitely a someone else when I'm with my friends.

O-kay.

Anyhow, now I'm just crying because time is flying by. Too fast. I know life comes with no guarantees. No time outs. No second chances. Nothing at all.

Nothing is permanent, anyways. But yeah. I'll just have to stop complaining and live my life to the fullest.

My life twisted and took a whole new route down. And right about now, I just wanna tell every single one of my friends what they mean to me. I wish I could just tell someone off and speak out. Dance in the pouring rain. Hold someone's hand by the beach. Comfort a friend. Stay up late and fall asleep watching the sun come up. Be a flirt. And just being able to smile until my face hurts.

See, mixed emotions. Blame the hormones.

I've come to a point of my life where I've decided that I'm not gonna be afraid of taking chances anymore. Or to open my heart. But most of all, I just wanna simply live in the moment. Because I do know every second I spend being angry or upset, is a second of happiness I can never get back.

Anyhow, I think I finally am gonna stop caring about people who are mean to me. From today onwards, I'm gonna pretend as though they're transparent or something. Oh and of course, I'm gonna be grateful to those who love me.

Sometimes I wish I could just go back in time and shake hands with all of my haters, then turn around and walk away - with my middle finger in the air.

As I said, I'll do it the casual way.

Sometimes I pretend to be normal, that it gets really boring - so I go back being me. I know I get angry easily, but I'm working on it. I sleep too much. I think too much. But yes, I do get my shit done on time. I'm learning, and enforcing my boundaries at the same time. I believe that I am now very much stronger and independent that I have ever been, and I am definitely very proud of it :)

Well, what I'm going through - it's all part of growing up isn't it?

Note to self : Life is rough, you gotta be tough.

P / S : I miss having the feeling of being unsure of what to eat for breakfast because of the myriad food choices.

Festival of Lights

2010-12-02T01:55:00.008+08:00

I haven't actually been in the right mood to blog. I don't quite know why. But anyhow, right at this moment I am literally blogging outta interest. Not that I have anything better to do anyways, so yeah.

I'm gonna make this post like a whole compilation of what I should have blogged minutes, hours, days, ages ago.

So yeah, first things first.

1) This is my first ever Deepavali in Indonesia. I swear I've never before felt this homesick in my life. To be honest, it was just a little depressing.

And I think that's the one and only decent picture that I have of myself prior to that night. Zzz.

On a lighter note, thinking back real hard - it ain't just me. It's practically almost all the other students who are scattered all around the globe who're missing Deepavali back home as well. So that cheered me up a little that night, I suppose.

Deepavali definitely wasn't the same without my cousins around, and of course without the constant blasting of firecracker outside my room window.

Worst of all, I had class that very morning - where I'd usually start it off by going to the temple without fail for the past 17 years of my life. Not only did I have class, I actually woke up and turned in late for class.

Way to start off an auspicious day.

2) Okay so my parents came down the day after Deepavali. Never in my 18 years of life have I been more happier to see my parents strut down the escalator from the airport with luggages and backpacks almost flooding all around them.

This is indeed my first Deepavali being very much away from home. I tear each time thinking that I might never get the chance of celebrating Deepavali with my family for the next 5 years.

Oh well, all for the sake of education.

And of course, I didn't quite make a huge publicity of my parents coming over to see me because I didn't want anyone back in Malaysia to create a whole drama there or something.

Y'know, haters who're just dying to burn my house down. Darn you people!

Plus, there was no one left. And I so do not want my house to get robbed - espite the fact that I have guards sprawled all over for that.

So yeah, I didn't get to take the day off from class while my parents were here. I didn't even get the chance to send them off the day they left off to Malaysia. I only had the weekends to spend and breakfast sessions each morning. However, I'd say I did have some quality time with my old folks after quite some time of being apart - and that's about 2 months, which passes painfully slow.

Mummy dearest packed and brought in truckloads of Deepavali cookies and cakes for me. Not to forget the amount of angpow(s) and cards from my relatives and little cousins as well.

I mean, c'mon - what's a Deepavali without cookies and the overflowing incoming amount of free moolah? Ngehehehe!

Daddy brought me a whole load of stuff as well. From a brand new printer to a brand new digital camera to tons of brand new clothes. To top it all off, I finally got an AC fixed in my hostel room as well.

MY LIFE IS NOW COMPLETE.

As per for now, and here that is.

My parents were actually pretty okay with Palembang and all though I didn't quite bring them around, except to the one and only Hindu temple nearby and to the mall behind the hotel we checked in. Mummy managed to shop a little for my relatives back home and get her pedicure done here as well. And as for daddy, he was just enjoying the whole new environment (with minimal complaints) and the television in the hotel room.

I pretty much spent most of my time there just chilling in the room munching on all the goodies mummy brought. Nothing beats home-cooked food. Oh yeah!

Now that my parents are already back home all safe and sound, I cannot explain my feelings. I feel blank all of a sudden. I miss my beautiful chef and my personal pirate!

3) Third block is officially over, and that only means that I am only another 18 blocks away before I can address myself as a Dokter Muda.

Well now that I'm in Indonesia, here goes the slang.

Alhamdulillah, satu kewajiban telah ku terselesaikan. Tinggal menanti Block 4, dan berharap dapat penguji yang baik hati nanti. Amin.

Okay, I know I rock. Kthxbai.

Fauxhawk!

2010-11-01T05:40:00.007+08:00

Okay. Before all else, this is a major newsflash right here.

I GOT A NEW HAIRCUT!

Yes, this is indeed my blog - hence the bragging. Getting a new hair cut despite the fact that my hair was already mega short before this. However it is, I now look like a boy. But that doesn't define anything, really. Because I am still very much straight, thank you.

There is just so much of untold stories piled up right at the moment. First and foremost, Step Up 3D was fantabulous! Round 2 is coming up right next week, as soon as I get settled down with my third block and all.

I am just way too intrigued to take up dancing now. I miss those days where I'd just dance in the streets and all. I miss cheer leading as well. Now, I silently dance in my room whilst the music blasts on in the background. Y'know, I dance - because it's fun. I don't dance for fuck.

Oh yeah talking about dancing, it's been ages since I last danced and I somewhat got it revived today. We got invited over to the seniors' crib after the movie. Stayed there over night, and today is gonna be my second night here - with intervals of myself going back home only to wash up, of course.

Lunch was with the seniors as well. Never has it been this fun, I swear. I've never got the chance to literally drop by all of a sudden and yet feel very much welcomed. Never have I got the chance to sleep over on a random note, especially without my blanket and pajamas. Never had I got the chance to have heart-to-heart talks with the ones who're probably my long lost siblings in my last birth.

Everything was indeed very much different. And a whole new perception for me. Though I did not join in the whole alcohol and smoke session, I managed to hog on here and there. Sometimes, I don't mind drinking. Because it doesn't actually harm the others, does it?

But oh well, I'm a Muslim at the moment when it comes to drinking! :P

Every bits and moments of the sleepover made me feel so loved. It made me smile. I think the bonds between us somewhat got stronger, tighter, and whatsoever you can think of - overnight.

Waking up to see my classmate of the next 5 years sleeping next to me whilst I'm busy hugging someone else's bolster is indeed a whole new concept for me. I still can't digest the fact that I actually am starting to love the company and all.

But then again, all good things do come to an end don't they? I'm praying for this to never end. Another night of party-time tomorrow. And I'm just hoping for all of it to last.

Until then, good night lovelies!

Regarrrdin' Exams

2010-10-28T14:35:00.002+08:00

Alright, now where do I start? The fact that I'm glad exams are over, or the fact that I did not screw my exams up but yet I don't feel any good about it at all. I have my reasons for saying all that y'know.

So yeah. I stayed up making little notes for myself with different coloured pens and all sort only for the sake of exams. And I was pretty confident answering all of the questions, and also very much enthusiastic when it came to presenting it - also accompanied by a gazillion butterflies fluttering away happily in my tummy and my brain twisting and turning like some old newsreel while I wandered to my examination hall wondering what in the world was gonna happen to me.

I could practically already feel my heart throbbing in my throat.

Okay I do not know how that makes sense, but yeah. I get that almost each time I sit for my papers. Oh and my brain cells also literally choose to die in the midst of exams.

Ugh.

Oh and yeah - back to where I started. I am very much glad that exams are over, and I'm hopping off to watch Step Up 3D in a bit later evening.

My presentation, what I thought went well - clearly went haywire when my lecturer did not accept my point of view, whereas the others who got the similar scenario got it right. I find this literally unfair. And I see lady-luck ain't on my side. It makes me cry to know that my effort just went off to waste. Just like that. I'm hoping for a pass, I swear. Nothing but a pass.

God bless me. And you.

Kthxbai.

Dancing in the Moonlight

2010-10-27T01:26:00.008+08:00

Okay I'm typing this in the dark because the electricity here literally went off. Once again. For the 3275498576103510th time ever since I came here. And newsflash, my friends decided to give me a surprise visit by crawling into my room - in the mere darkness. I got a mini cardiac arrest there, thanks.

Oh and the moon's beautiful tonight, accompanied with haunting clouds and all. I managed to get a couple of pictures of it, but they look v v v ugly. Not as pretty as what I saw. But here goes, something better than nothing.

It's beautiful isn't it?

Fugly pixels. Ugh. I demand a new cellphone for myself. I'm a sad kid with a 3.2 MP here!

Anyhow, I don't remember when exactly was the last time I put my heart to contemplate with the decision I made about being here and all - despite the constant tripping of electricity and the toilets with no flush and the unbearable heat and the whole part where I get restricted maximum and I can go on and on and on and on and on, but I don't want to!

Indonesia, a place with unbelievable sights. With all the indescribable feelings to go alongside it.

Anyhow, paper today was okay I suppose. Having to stay up and prepare for it, I think I only screwed half the paper this time. Ngehehe. I still feel good about it, so that's what that matters most right?

Next paper on Thursday, and I have done zero percentage of preparations for now. I'll start in a bit, I promise. Not that I'm not bothered or anything, I'm just giving myself some time off as for today.

I can bet my head my results will be inversely proportional to the amount of time I waste on Facebook and MSN. It's like I'm basically hooked on some illegal drugs or something when I'm on Facebook. Heh.

To deactivate or to not deactivate? I shall die wondering. Hmmph.

Spanish

2010-10-26T02:15:00.006+08:00

I have to say I am indeed very much impressed with how much Blogger has changed overtime especially ever since I had my first blog. Needless to say, I'm starting afresh. For the third time. And no, I don't blame myself for being such fickle-minded. I guess that's pretty much how I roll.

Anyhow, kudos to myself for coming up with a brilliant name for my blog. Credits goes to me, all along. Do not hesitate to Google search or Google translate or whatsoever you wanna do.

It was indeed a sudden crave for myself to start blogging once again, with the mere hope of not abandoning it despite myself being very much occupied and busy with medical school. I'm just hoping to record all of my uneventful life stories here, for the next 5 years that is. Making it an e-diary or an online journal - one where I know stalkers would have a jolly good time preying on me.

For all of you funny clowns out there - joke's on you, that's all I can say. Because I am definitely not a moron, you moron.

Anyways, I got told off today for bringing up pollution. Yeah, pollution. Noise pollution, that is. Heh. I find this absolutely unfair, because (you can come ask me personally, thank you very much). I'm just gonna sit back and laugh. Because y'know what? What goes around comes around. And whatsoever you say, goes into my left year and finds its way out through the right ear. So yeah.

Yeah you got me. Karma can be such a bitch. Trust me.

Oh and on a major random note - I got myself an awesome hair spa and a so-called hair treatment to go alongside with a major hair wash onto my dandruff-infested scalp. I don't know how and why in the world I have flaky dandruff that reminds me of snow.

Snow on my head. It looks utterly unhygienic, and not to mention disgusting. Maximum!

I am very much grateful for the whole hair treatment and all, because I now have fantabulous hair that I very much love. My crowning glory is now softer than a baby's bumbum, I swear.

Oh yeah! To top it all off, I got the whole blow-drying and grooming session soon after. No pictures for now though, because I look like I just got hit by a tsunami or something.

Budden again, right at this moment - I don't feel like washing my hair. Ever again. Ngehehe.

Okay then, off to study for my paper tomorrow. Major luck needed! Have a good night everybody, cheers!